Nighttime Personalities Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Visa Scheme

TV's leading comedians spent the broadcast criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's recently announced immigration initiative, dubbed the "Trump card," characterizing it as a blatant pay-for-access scheme for the rich.

The Late Show's Witty Take

Starting his show, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic Christmas tune targeting the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he intoned. "Donald Trump ... destroys all he comes into contact with."

Colbert's target was the new plan that permits overseas nationals to acquire U.S. residency for an investment of $1 million dollars, with a "premium" tier for $5 million. An official page pledges processing "in record time."

"A brief note here to wealthy applicants: before you fork over the cash, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He explained that the card is also intended to "squeeze cash" from firms wanting to hire foreign workers, requiring large payments. "That's a lot of fees, though if you enroll, you also get free accommodation at a property of your choice – as long as it's the that one hotel," he continued.

"The best vetting the U.S. government has ever done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants truly meet the standard to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Roast

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"It's a card that will let affluent foreigners to live here," he said. "For a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choosing."

"Perhaps it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the form, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers on Affordability Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping approval ratings during financial worries. "People gave Donald Trump a another term since they were upset about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a attempt to address affordability, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a display of food items, where he behaved peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"Trump is so extremely weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by mocking conservative media defenses of Trump's financial record. "Perhaps rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he joked.